Return to Burlesque
My big fat return to burlesque - lowdown on lockdown depression, bulimia, loss of professional identity and how I found my wings again š
One of the things Iām super passionate about as a founder and a woman in business is ending the stigma of talking about mental health in the context of work. Itās only natural then that speaking openly about my own mental health challenges over many years is a key part of this mission. And so, here comes a little lowdown of my experience of lockdown and stepping away from my role at GrantTree as an active director.
Like for many of us, being unable to move freely, do all the things Iām used to and see my family abroad over lockdown, was a difficult experience. Even more so as it coincided with another bout of depression and anxiety. I had to go back on mental health meds and during the most difficult time was so confused and unable to focus on practical tasks, my husband had to step in to deal with all the paperwork connected to health insurance. It was actually ridiculously difficult as our health insurer arranged through work (Vitality) initially refused to accept my claim to do with costs associated with seeing a consultant psychiatrist (which is almost impossible to arrange through NHS I found) and getting professional help I badly needed. Their response was that as I suffered from mental health difficulties in the past, the new, pretty horrific symptoms I experienced this time (and have never done before) were deemed a continuation of the previous condition. It took many months - and a lot of persistence on Danielās part - to see this through to a positive resolution. I feel genuinely saddened - and angered - to realise how many people in urgent need of medical help donāt have the support structure Iām lucky to have. They are simply unable to find the strength and resilience within to literally fight for help at the time they need it the most and so they never receive itā¦
My difficulties forced me to step away completely from my responsibilities within GrantTree. This actually allowed those more capable to scale businesses - as opposed to starting them - to step in and now I see it as a blessing. I also realise how much wisdom there is in letting go of things - roles, identities, responsibilities - when the time is right. At the time when it happened for me though it felt paralysing and shameful. I felt incapable, passive, lazy, useless to society, even though I truly was incapable of working for a while. The judgemental voices in my head wouldnāt give me a break. So on top of having a really difficult time already I was literally torturing myself emotionally every day. When I wasnāt sleeping which I did for many hours every day, to escape reality and also as I had minimal energy to deal with simplest tasks. I did manage to drag myself to the gym, even in deepest misery, which somehow kept me going. During lockdown, I exercised with a personal trainer over Zoom.
Disturbingly, my bulimic symptoms returned. Overcoming severe eating disorders I experienced in my teens and early twenties used to be something I considered the biggest achievement of my life - not comparable even to any professional successes to do with my career as a founder. Now I felt really tempted, and acted on those temptations sometimes, to stuff myself and throw up again, as a way of dealing with the chaos within. Purging has always felt like a purifying activity, massive release of tension and - somehow - self disgust (even though it, of course, generated more self-disgust later!). Now I was rediscovering the dark joys ofll it. The sense of victory over possibly the biggest plague of my life - anorexia and bulimia - which took me to the place of actually fighting for life - was completely gone. As I hated my body with passion and kept comparing it to those whose bodies - I felt at the time - give them a right to feel worthy, enjoy this life and all it has to offer - getting rid of the food I ate as soon as it went in felt somehow logical. Back to black we go again.
On top of those, the loss of professional identity was something that hit me harder that I could have foreseen. I realised how much of my personal sense of stability and meaning in life I attached to who I was seen as, professionally, in the world. I also realised how important work actually is, to our wellbeing, to our sense of purpose and meaning of life. Right now that Iām actually thriving I entrave every new work opportunity with immense gratitude and see it as a blessing, even if itās not something I choose to pursue.
Many dreadful months later something started to shift. I still had terrible days but overall I became more able to deal with everyday things. Potential opportunities started coming in. One of them was an opportunity to start a small VC fund which I grabbed onto. Only to discover that an āinvestorā I met numerous times to discuss the project and who verbally committed to an investment of Ā£20m into my new fund turned out to be a (very convincing) conman. Looking back Iām convinced he suffers from quite a lot of mental health difficulties himself, just copes with them in an entirely different way than I do. This was a difficult lesson of the importance of doing background checks on potential business partners as opposed to simply trusting people on face value which as an easy to read and honest person I tend to do. But after some time I managed to shake it all off.
Months later, my book āLaid Bareā was finally due to be published (I wrote it way before my mental health collapse, when I still felt on top of my game) and it got me thinking about burlesque again. I invited burlesque and pole dancing friends to perform at my book launch party last December and rediscovered a familiar longing within. I heard a tiny little voice telling me that maybe, just maybe, creativity, playfulness, sexiness, joy were still possible in my life. My confidence was way too low still to simply step on stage and start performing again but I did think about completing another burlesque course which could help me get there. I think Dan overheard me talking about it. But self-doubting was still strong and I didnāt act on it. And then I received the most heart felt Christmas gift from the man of my life - a place on a three month The Cheek Of It spotlight course starting late January. I was thrilled and anxious at the same time. But there was no way out now, he paid for it in full (thank you, I love you ā¤ļø) and it wasnāt an option not to show up for classes when they began.
I arrived for my first class held in a studio which felt somehow too small for all of us and felt a little intimidated. All of the girls who were there - but for three including myself - had only just completed the beginners course together and so knew one another well. This will be a clique of popular girls who hang out together I will never get to join, I felt. Little did I knowā¦!!
As the three month course - leading to a graduation show at the beginning of April - progressed, I got to discover deeper sisterhood, sense of community and mutual empowerment than I could have dreamt of. We witnessed each otherās tears, held each other up when we lost the belief our acts were any good or could ever be admired by anyone, which probably every single one of us went through at some point. We got to know loads about each otherās lives and struggles and how burlesque was part of it all. How meaningful, and important, it got to feel for every one of us on at some point on our journeys through life to show and celebrate with pride our unique bodies, our power, our womanhood. How this act of taking our clothes off on stage became an act of initiation, an act of rebellion, an act of claiming our beauty, our power, our sense of aliveness back.
The sheer vulnerability and rawness of any creative process still takes my breath away. This particular creative process of developing a burlesque act has the added dimension of baring your body - and working through layers much deeper than that! - as part of it. What a privilege to be in a group of women going through it together. This truly was the experience of fixing each otherās crowns while not telling the world they were crooked. This truly was showing leadership in its deepest sense, not in the context of business but in the context of being ready to face oneself, which is often trickier than any professional goal you could achieve. In the context of choosing to be truly powerful in deepest vulnerability.
Then showtime came and with it time to share what weād been working on with the world. Some girls had parents in the audience (wow!) ready to cheer for them. Many had never been on stage alone before. I will never forget the atmosphere in the changing rooms, the nerves, the comforting hugs and words of encouragement, the way we cheered each other celebrating the beauty of what weāve accomplished. We wanted to shout at the top of our lungs as each one of us entered the stage, and went on with her act, whether or not the rest of the audience could acknowledge the power of a statement that it was or ever understand what it meant to us.
When the show was over I expected thatās what it was - a powerful end of a stunning journey. I didnāt expect it would actually be the beginning of something even more powerful. But my slutty (in the best sense of the word!) sisters surprised me again. We went on to form a troupe, called Bloominā Burlesque. We found a prestigious venue - the Royal Vauxhall Tavern - and are hosting our first show as a production company on 30.07. We would LOVE to see you there. Weāve got a few further shows planned in different parts of London and I canāt wait to see what gets created as part of this powerful collaboration.
I am writing this from a speakersā lounge of an international innovation conference in sunny Malaga where I got to speak yesterday. I got paid for it (which was my aim when I first began my speaking career many years ago) and Iām being treated like a queen. Barack Obama spoke from the same stage the day before. Am I boasting? Perhaps, a little, but mostly saying all this because I deeply desire to reach any of you going through darkness right now, maybe even thicker than mine, with a message that things change. That itās worth slowly crawling your way through hell, even when it feels pointless and endless. That's what it felt like for close to two years for me. And quite a few times before that. Now, I have a deeply rewarding tantric events venture with a gorgeous friend, work with a super interesting company in the space of psychedelic healing (whether or not this continues, itās been a super rich experience). My speaking calendar is filled till end of September. I have amazing family and friends to share and enjoy life with and many exciting events to look forward to this summer and beyond.
I am thriving right now even though Iām aware that the night of the soul will more than likely embrace me again, like it has done so many times in my past. I know myself, I know life (in this body) well enough to understand that itās all a cycle of ups and lows, joy and suffering. Pain is inevitable in human experience and it gives life the rich, multilayered taste that it has. (Even though you wouldnāt hear me say anything like that in the midst of a crisis.) I know I will likely experience depression/anxiety/loss of identity/despair again but Iām not obsessing over it like I used to, dreading the next time it shows up. This is, somehow, the journey of this particular soul, in this particular body. And I will make the most of it. I will love, I will experience joy - and pain - I will contribute, I will help others. And remain grateful that Iāve been granted an opportunity to experience it all.
Important: if this resonates because you are in the middle of a crisis yourself, please surround yourself with whoever - and whatever - might help you go through it. Sometimes the only thing we can do is stay with the pain until something shifts. And it does. If youād like to have a chat with me about anything mental health related, please get in touch and I will do my best to find time in my diary just to be there and listen. (No worries, Iām not a therapist, no charges associated.)
My newsletter: https://www.paulinatenner.com/newsletter
My debut book: https://www.paulinatenner.com/book
Bloominā Burlesqueās first show (30.07, RVT):
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/bloomin-burlesque-presents-full-bloom-tickets-357768905427