"Not all women are feminine" – stereotypes and why they hurt men and women

Stereotyping is one of the most damaging aspects of human behaviour. And yet, it’s very deeply ingrained in our psyche. Within the first few seconds of meeting someone we make all sorts of stereotyping judgements matching them up to types of individuals we encountered in the past. We box them in immediately (often to be surprised later!) when it comes to their socioeconomic status, intelligence, physical appearance, education and more. I definitely catch myself making a judgement on whether someone I’ve just met can add value to my life and/or meet my needs in a given professional, or personal, area of my life. (Just to think that with a little bit of effort I could get used to doing the opposite - figure out how I can add value to their life instead!). 

Because of this we miss out on unlimited possibility of what can come out of a free flowing interaction unburdened by pre-conceptions. We not only put other people into straitjackets of given roles but we adopt those ourselves. And so, instead of a human to human meeting dancing in a conversation and connection that could lead practically anywhere, we get, for example, a very boundaried interaction of a salesperson and a potential client. How limiting. 

There are stereotypes to do with race, nationality, career, socioeconomic status. A lot are synonymous with judgements. Here I’d like to focus on gender stereotypes. I can’t think of too many that involve being a man, other than, perhaps, how a man is supposed to up in the world (as strong, forceful, aggressive, competent, competitive, and independent). However, there are loads of stereotypes to do with womanhood and being a woman in the workplace in particular. According to limiting social norms (which sometimes border on cruel!) women in the office are supposed to be: unfocused, distractable, non competitive and lack self confidence. They also gossip a lot, can’t take risks or make decisions, can’t be trusted with numbers/jobs involving logic and science and can’t effectively raise finance (for those in the startup world). All in all, what a disaster! Here’s my favourite though: women are so feminine. Feminine here can mean anything, from soft, emotional, indecisive to simply weak, fluffy, unorganised, and more. 

Let’s get one thing straight: other than the sign of weakness, particularly in the context of work, the feminine is simply an aspect of dual nature which we all possess, regardless of how (or whether!) we tend to define ourselves in terms of gender. Where the masculine principle is associated with the left brain: the domain of logic, the active (in other words, the doing as opposed to being), competitiveness, drive, focus, stability, clear vision, assertiveness, individualism, goal orientation. The feminine principle, on the other hand, is all about passivity/receptivity and intuitiveness, generosity, creativity, collaboration, care and gratitude. Both - not just the masculine - are useful and productive in the workplace, depending on context and skills required. 

Naturally, most powerful leaders are those who are well versed in both domains and can lean into one or the other skill set depending on the need at hand. I talk about this extensively in the second part of my new book. However, most of the time, qualities which belong to one of the two principles are stronger within us than those of the other. The stereotype which I find particularly irritating is that in this context (other than the feminine being used as a derogatory term, as per the above) women are better versed in the   feminine, whereas men are stronger in the domain of the masculine. 

In actual fact, whether or not we have more feminine or masculine characteristics in our nature (which doesn’t mean the others can’t be developed!) depends entirely on our personality, upbringing, life experience, the culture we grew up in and so on. I’ve known many women who had a strong masculine element of their leadership, are fierce, individualistic, competitive, super ambitious and break through the glass ceiling at every opportunity they see. I’ve also come across men extremely well versed in the world of the feminine qualities: caring, collaborative, generous and with a strong intuition. As mentioned before, most powerful leaders I’ve known have easy access to both domains within them and draw on whichever one they need in a given situation. 

And so, whenever you hear that women are - or should be - feminine, take the initiative to explain the beauty and the complexity of dualistic human nature. Cherish both sets of qualities within and never let the pressure of social stereotyping convince you that you aren’t enough of a man, or enough of a woman. There is no such thing as a naturally/typically male or female world, only damaging gender roles which are the result of cultural conditioning. How you choose to create yourself and show up in the world m, whichever body you were born in, is always, and entirely, up to you. 

If you found this post valuable, you are very likely to enjoy my new book “Laid Bare” where I delve into quite a bit more detail around startups and innovative business culture.